Delivery Day

It's been decided, in twelve long days I'll become a new mother. That day, I'll...well, I'll leave the rest up to your imagination. Can't think of an easter memory I'd like to share and only have one cute picture. Well, nostalgic anyway.

This is where I'd like to be, at the cabin. Not preparing for "busy season" at work, holding down the fort while my husband braves the trenches. Plus that new baby yet to arrive, during the chaos.

School lets out soon into summer vacation, and then we'll begin. Summer Performing Arts and new Helping Hands (community service for twelve-and-up year olds). Library reading programs, diabetes camp, the so-needed pool weather.

I'm nine months pregnant, and yes I can feel it.

Birthday parties, galore!

Threw another one today, this one for my seven year old and all his boy buddies at school. Talk about wild children enclosed in one space, well at least it had crawling tunnels. Still though, could not control their energies or redirect themselves into constructive activities for the life of them. It wasn't even normal.

But we survived it and took lots of cute pictures. We have three February's in our family, including my daughter (now 9). And so it was bowling, and bowling back-to-back, same day, ...and now this one at the playcenter.

Not much

Other than the school year's whips and whirls, the starts and stops that are continuous...the prayers that insist 3 day weeks, they come sooner and more often. I'm at a standstill. Watching for inspiration that comes in the form of weather, the peeks underneath all that snow, tremendous views of heavenly green.

Thanks to living in North Dakota, we've suffered through blasts of 40 below weather, that comes and stays, then barely leaves except to hover slightly closer to zero. Painful to say the least. As I stay inside or force myself outward to pick kids up or run errands, I cringe it's no fun.

When my plans can begin, we'll be barbecuing and park-going. Attending those camps, and that performing arts opportunity for Lauren. Plus library programs and swimming, soaking up sun and meet-ups with friends. After months and months of waiting, our newborn arrives to drip in our love.

That damn Barnes and Noble

Christopher Kimball sent me to bn.com with a mere "My 10 Favorite Cookbooks" email. Like definitely! Indeed the new Crystal Bowersox CD would make a wonderful self-present,...for Valentine's Day?

Of course I had to stop by toys to see which delights I could find for Taylor, my about-to-turn nine year old daughter. And I'm passing up the I Love You tree? Made of Shrinky Dinks! There's an Easter version which is equally nostalgic and trendy (raising mine to be artists). Had to remind myself to wait on the Scholastic, Inc Style Studio, another brilliant toy birthed by Klutz. Maybe in June.

Speaking of about-to-be thirteen year old fashion designing daughters, and presents, and planning ahead like attentive mothers should...paint by number cupcakes would be just right for her. And ten dollars I can afford!

Cooking

I returned from the grocery store after a well-spent, efficient trip. Got every item on my list and luckily without trying. Began in the music...it's Taylor's birthday, do I get KidzBop 19 or Taylor Swift's old CD Fearless. Kidz Bop, apparently.

But it's when I got home that I amazed myself most. I picked up my kids, then admired my purchases, and here's just the breads:

2 packs hot dog buns (bought those no-nitrate Angus weiners, Oscar Mayer)

2 loaves brown bread (New England to be exact)

Then, a pack of petite kaiser rolls (until I learn to make them myself), for deli meats upon deli meats, upon cheeses.

Oh, just a little black forest ham paired eagerly with imported Austrian Swiss ($9.99/lb...free 1/2 lb cheese w/ every 1-1/2 lb meat purchase, Archer Farms). And some oven roasted turkey with friendly muenster (a whole pound!)

What surprised me as I layed my goods before me, was the basil and feta I needed for tonight's Balsamic Chicken Noodle Bowl...like heaven with pesto.

And I'm developing a new relationship with my freezer.

Snowplay

3-Bean Salad

1 can yellow string beans, drained
1 can green string beans, drained
1 can red kidney beans, drained

1 med onion, diced
2 med green peppers, diced

(mix)

1 can tomato soup
1/2 c. salad oil
1 c. sugar
3/4 c. vinegar
1/2 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp white pepper
1 tsp mustard

(blend)

Pour over beans, refrigerate overnight.

Another well-spent day

Ah yes, I met up with my friend Jen at the local "tunnels" playcenter. She brought her little boy, Archer, and I brought my 4 year old, Madison. About two hours of popcorn, free coffee, and ring pops for the kids later...plus lots of talking.

We haven't seen each other in, oh for forever, well a month. Last time was just before Christmas (she lives in Hillsboro), Jen's my best friend. We have lots in common, shared faith, a deep love for children. And a commitment to nurture the friendship, whenever we find the time.

She brought me the sweetest gifts, and I should've really taken a picture. Here, a 3-wicked scented candle (vanilla blackberry, I mean black currant vanilla...) and a lotion from that Bath & Body Works, aromatherapy. Plus, and this is the clincher.

Instead of a pack of my Senseos, she brought coffee pods with creamers, only by a different manufacturer. Can't just swap coffees with any single-serving coffee brewers. She's going to return them and get me the right ones, though I insisted she shouldn't.

But she will, and we'll meet up again in a month or so.

A simple method

It's a perfect day where the unexpected occurred. My two young ones surround me, she's my forever sidekick, he simply stayed home from school. A sink filled with plates sticky with syrup, this morning's breakfast waffles not homemade, but getting close.

Filling this house up with memories, last night's spaghetti with breadsticks turned out spectacular. And only inches away from this oatmeal pancake mix, nourishment and deliciousness all wrapped up in one. Heading out.

I'm 37 now.

So I kind of planned for this breakfast the night before. Simply laying out dishware and a few ingredients, plus early this morning pulling the butter out to soften it. We had leftover banana bread with Carnation Instant Breakfast hot cocoa (with fun pink and green holiday marshmallows). Colton ate a portion of what was left over from Taco night Tuesday, on a multigrain tortilla. Whole grain bread buttered and of course my Senseo.

The energy rolled easily as I scooted them out of the h0use.

Borrowed recipes

Homemade Spaghetti Sauce
Bread sticks

Classic Lasagna
Make 2 and freeze one

Cheesesteak Subs
Meatball Subs
French bread rolls

Mac and Cheese

Sweet and Sour Chicken
Baked brown rice

Classic chili

Dynamo

Cooking up a storm lately..., last night it was two chicken pot pies with a third one in the freezer. Night before I made Chicken Marengo, which needed nothing to satisfy my husband, well maybe black beans. Found the greatest cookbook where I'm gaining my inspiration, it's Fabulous Freezer Meals that don't actually have to go in the freezer (only if you want to).

So, I'm flipping through all my Taste of Homes lately, planning full-on to make carrot bran muffins, can already taste them.

Plus, winning contests.

Chocolate and cheese

In my sink, after today's post-school snack, I found chocolate pudding and a pile of cheese graters. I'd been serving these options to my kids absentmindedly...not the cheese graters, the CHEDDAR! Sharp. Never for once admitting it was all about the fat and flavor. You know, chocolate oils and cheeses? Very oily both.

Gourmet in other words, yes that's my interpretation of today's afterschool cooking.

Knitting is my calm lately

I just knit a wrongside row, which is the easier shift when the reverse side is filled with knitted cables and surrounding purls. It's a sweater I'm knitting for myself in one piece, sideways. One of those tasks I keep around to occupy myself during my many dread-filled, "what has life become" moments.

All I can consider lately is what life has become since my newborn never made it home from the hospital, then thrived healthily. I'm left with thoughts and fears with the main theme being that life is not what I expected, or should be. Even projecting such aimlessness onto my children, as in, will life rock them to their core someday? Will they be prepared to handle it?

Of course I say no, because none of us seem to be without struggle, let alone regret...my other pal for this century. Can't look backwards and find a shred of that perfection I once believed in and thrived on. Only wonders as I question every past thought, hope, or action. None of it feels like it's going to settle toward peace again.

I mean, there are the moments. When things fall into line and I know the best I can do is celebrate and savor all the great moments, the ones filled with effort. And create more, ignoring those times in between when I falter. Healing the heart and soul is no easy task, facing the dark truths of life is a journey we all have.

All grown up

Finally! So anyway, fantastic day spent cavorting about town decidedly painting it red. Two boys with haircuts later, we've secured an evening with a dying friend followed by steak grilling, my many hats. Thankfully the universe's lessons are instilling, instead of thumping me over and over in the back of the head, YES, I'm paying attention! But gloomy.

Obscurity

A thousand and one miles deep into obscurity, but happy about it. Fa-fa-fump, and all the songs on the radio are Snow Patrol's lately. That one album that encompasses every last VH-1 almost-be's. Um, not sounding right. The edges of the mirror and her cracks,...

and one birthday late. Just gonna sit here for a bit while I gather my thoughts, pawning half-answers off on my three-year-old, and her questions. Whose is that? Mine? Can I have it, in other words. Simpler to ignore half her sentences.

Until she gets to the root of what she's asking, really though, she's just messing up parts of the basement until I answer. So that's how romance novelists' thoughts are processed. Irregularly.

Schedule

Five o'clock and five-thirty, I must be there to regather my young ones, all played out with dates I arranged just today. Friendships in the making, with mother's full support...their containers. Latin root, continere, to hold together. Reflections of themselves, their worlds seen in others, a gracious exchange.

Words, words in staccato, I know I know. Still seeking that free space where I soared above all, plucking from the fruit trees all that would serve me, listening in between. Where the soul arises of its own doing, the not-doing place, the arising without acting.

It's just. Such open forgiveness and allowing clears the space, and the sounds are suggested...the words its translation. Rudolph Steiner and his eurhythmy, where consonants and vowels suggest the course. And all we have to do is wait and receive, finding gratitude for its obedient way.

A static phase

Pacing my way through a series of days filled with normal. School returns just around the corner, excited by the new rituals and demands ahead. For entertainment, reading the thoughts of fellow empty nesters, an endless supply of been there and survived it. Some, anyway.

Planning ahead for seven years later, and then the culmination that will arrive in fifteen (last graduation). Am I prepared, have I celebrated every moment? Backstepped and rechecked, then plowed further ahead?

Who will I be when the last one leaves my nest...someone who took less for granted, who lived full-time in "believe in your best life" land.

I found horror

Not to be exhibitionistic, the worst crime forced upon Americans they hum, but these past years have shaped me into who I currently am. Not to confuse myself with what I shall be, but am not. I want to be that perfect mother who never screws up, who has expertly sidestepped exhibiting her life as from shambles.

But I've been there, raced there even just to see what I'd like,...if. My life was different than it is today, which is recovering from shambles. Got that? My life, in its current state, is recovering from a shamble-filled existence. Portrayed also online, somewhere else.

Won't say where.

More pizza tonight

Not only pepperoni this time, but hickory barbecue chicken w/ sweet onions (grilled). It's nice to have weekends like these, temp was just like it'd be when sipping sweet tea in the south. Met that feeling at Sam's Club where romance novels were begging my attention.

It was a sweet tea summer though, something profitable like that (and efficient). I hear these romance novel writers make the most money, follow the craft exquisitely, and find that range I dare not achieve. Who wants to experience everything?

Not me. Strikes too many nerves over and over. Plus, no cure.