Sunday, October 10, 2010

Knitting is my calm lately

I just knit a wrongside row, which is the easier shift when the reverse side is filled with knitted cables and surrounding purls. It's a sweater I'm knitting for myself in one piece, sideways. One of those tasks I keep around to occupy myself during my many dread-filled, "what has life become" moments.

All I can consider lately is what life has become since my newborn never made it home from the hospital, then thrived healthily. I'm left with thoughts and fears with the main theme being that life is not what I expected, or should be. Even projecting such aimlessness onto my children, as in, will life rock them to their core someday? Will they be prepared to handle it?

Of course I say no, because none of us seem to be without struggle, let alone other pal for this century. Can't look backwards and find a shred of that perfection I once believed in and thrived on. Only wonders as I question every past thought, hope, or action. None of it feels like it's going to settle toward peace again.

I mean, there are the moments. When things fall into line and I know the best I can do is celebrate and savor all the great moments, the ones filled with effort. And create more, ignoring those times in between when I falter. Healing the heart and soul is no easy task, facing the dark truths of life is a journey we all have.

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