Thursday, December 16, 2010

Dynamo

Cooking up a storm lately..., last night it was two chicken pot pies with a third one in the freezer. Night before I made Chicken Marengo, which needed nothing to satisfy my husband, well maybe black beans. Found the greatest cookbook where I'm gaining my inspiration, it's Fabulous Freezer Meals that don't actually have to go in the freezer (only if you want to).

So, I'm flipping through all my Taste of Homes lately, planning full-on to make carrot bran muffins, can already taste them.

Plus, winning contests.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Chocolate and cheese

In my sink, after today's post-school snack, I found chocolate pudding and a pile of cheese graters. I'd been serving these options to my kids absentmindedly...not the cheese graters, the CHEDDAR! Sharp. Never for once admitting it was all about the fat and flavor. You know, chocolate oils and cheeses? Very oily both.

Gourmet in other words, yes that's my interpretation of today's afterschool cooking.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Knitting is my calm lately

I just knit a wrongside row, which is the easier shift when the reverse side is filled with knitted cables and surrounding purls. It's a sweater I'm knitting for myself in one piece, sideways. One of those tasks I keep around to occupy myself during my many dread-filled, "what has life become" moments.

All I can consider lately is what life has become since my newborn never made it home from the hospital, then thrived healthily. I'm left with thoughts and fears with the main theme being that life is not what I expected, or should be. Even projecting such aimlessness onto my children, as in, will life rock them to their core someday? Will they be prepared to handle it?

Of course I say no, because none of us seem to be without struggle, let alone regret...my other pal for this century. Can't look backwards and find a shred of that perfection I once believed in and thrived on. Only wonders as I question every past thought, hope, or action. None of it feels like it's going to settle toward peace again.

I mean, there are the moments. When things fall into line and I know the best I can do is celebrate and savor all the great moments, the ones filled with effort. And create more, ignoring those times in between when I falter. Healing the heart and soul is no easy task, facing the dark truths of life is a journey we all have.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

All grown up

Finally! So anyway, fantastic day spent cavorting about town decidedly painting it red. Two boys with haircuts later, we've secured an evening with a dying friend followed by steak grilling, my many hats. Thankfully the universe's lessons are instilling, instead of thumping me over and over in the back of the head, YES, I'm paying attention! But gloomy.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Obscurity

A thousand and one miles deep into obscurity, but happy about it. Fa-fa-fump, and all the songs on the radio are Snow Patrol's lately. That one album that encompasses every last VH-1 almost-be's. Um, not sounding right. The edges of the mirror and her cracks,...

and one birthday late. Just gonna sit here for a bit while I gather my thoughts, pawning half-answers off on my three-year-old, and her questions. Whose is that? Mine? Can I have it, in other words. Simpler to ignore half her sentences.

Until she gets to the root of what she's asking, really though, she's just messing up parts of the basement until I answer. So that's how romance novelists' thoughts are processed. Irregularly.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Schedule

Five o'clock and five-thirty, I must be there to regather my young ones, all played out with dates I arranged just today. Friendships in the making, with mother's full support...their containers. Latin root, continere, to hold together. Reflections of themselves, their worlds seen in others, a gracious exchange.

Words, words in staccato, I know I know. Still seeking that free space where I soared above all, plucking from the fruit trees all that would serve me, listening in between. Where the soul arises of its own doing, the not-doing place, the arising without acting.

It's just. Such open forgiveness and allowing clears the space, and the sounds are suggested...the words its translation. Rudolph Steiner and his eurhythmy, where consonants and vowels suggest the course. And all we have to do is wait and receive, finding gratitude for its obedient way.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

A static phase

Pacing my way through a series of days filled with normal. School returns just around the corner, excited by the new rituals and demands ahead. For entertainment, reading the thoughts of fellow empty nesters, an endless supply of been there and survived it. Some, anyway.

Planning ahead for seven years later, and then the culmination that will arrive in fifteen (last graduation). Am I prepared, have I celebrated every moment? Backstepped and rechecked, then plowed further ahead?

Who will I be when the last one leaves my nest...someone who took less for granted, who lived full-time in "believe in your best life" land.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

I found horror

Not to be exhibitionistic, the worst crime forced upon Americans they hum, but these past years have shaped me into who I currently am. Not to confuse myself with what I shall be, but am not. I want to be that perfect mother who never screws up, who has expertly sidestepped exhibiting her life as from shambles.

But I've been there, raced there even just to see what I'd like,...if. My life was different than it is today, which is recovering from shambles. Got that? My life, in its current state, is recovering from a shamble-filled existence. Portrayed also online, somewhere else.

Won't say where.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

More pizza tonight

Not only pepperoni this time, but hickory barbecue chicken w/ sweet onions (grilled). It's nice to have weekends like these, temp was just like it'd be when sipping sweet tea in the south. Met that feeling at Sam's Club where romance novels were begging my attention.

It was a sweet tea summer though, something profitable like that (and efficient). I hear these romance novel writers make the most money, follow the craft exquisitely, and find that range I dare not achieve. Who wants to experience everything?

Not me. Strikes too many nerves over and over. Plus, no cure.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I should be playing with Playdough

Instead, I'm escaping from SpongeBob puzzle duty (100 pieces), and basking in the smell of a just baked cake. Pioneer Woman's, of course. No link love today, dahhhlings, as I've more avoiding to do, disappearing, and staying still in hell.

Yes, I said it, bored out of my mind. Six days straight of evil and poisonous answers to everything possible? And this is clearing my conscience wide open, and how!!! It takes courage to excavate all those darkest parts and so I...oops, wait, there's my tea.

Here I am, still avoiding the puzzle though.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

They wanted sad faces


Well, it was more her idea than anyone's.

Yup, the dramatic one on the left. What's possible?

Friday, May 7, 2010

Right place, right time

Do you ever feel your life is happening at exactly the pace that is good for your soul? That's how I feel today, and most of last week actually, as I enjoy the bounty of my home life that surrounds me. A well-oiled machine, and I'm also the cog inspector? How righteous is that.

Having less pressure than some, other than smiling graciously as my Americanos are delivered, and feeling blessed that flowers can arrive before Mother's Day, because they often do...well, they did this time. Planning meals, honoring children,...my life's purpose is being fulfilled.

Occasionally I sense dissent in the ranks of my fellow women (not all yet friends) as they compare and contrast each life's achievements. Measuring status or success as if it belonged on a shared scale, instead of simply being predestined, as sure as God's plan.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Studying habit from the outside

I made it full circle, this morning thankfully. Wasn't sure I'd ever arrive with the torment that was plaguing me. Nothing as simple, or complicated, as um, shoot. Can't keep the flow going, but I can see the signs. End of the world actually, so there.

Anyway, the book I reached for that showed me full circle was Streams in the Desert, a gift from a homeschooler. Actually, it was a condolence gift from an ex-friend, to make it more complicated but meaningful.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Another perfect day

First attempt at blogging in 1, 2, 3, 4 order, I think it will be good for my psyche.  Letting go of the random flights of fancy for the sake of a new space with no expectations put upon me. 

Just to write.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Thank you God for this beautiful sunny day, a working laptop, and a 4 shot Americano in an extra tall cup.